January 1st,2026 -Happy new year!

I didn't wake up feeling very well today. I haven't been getting good sleep, maybe that's part of it. Sleeping in the living room in a house with 15 other people is kind of nightmarish. I don't get to sleep when I want to, or wake up when I want to.
I loved the fireworks. I always do. The beach smelled absolutely foul though; I took a beach chair to wait for the fireworks but I didn't notice I had placed it right in front of a rotting fish carcass. There's no way I'd go to the beach in the morning after new year's. It's all full of litter and broken glass bottles.
Even though I love some self-loathing, I'd be lying if I said 2025 was a bad year. Great things happened. I had ups and downs, but it's all me. Everything that went wrong was 100% my fault lol. It's always my fault when something goes wrong or when I feel bad, and I'm being honest. I've accepted that I'm a difficult person, but I managed to keep it well-concealed for the second half of the year, kind of. I need to be mindful of my emotions, and how I express them. If I'm struggling like who tf cares. Gotta keep my dirt out of other people's lawn. I can tell I've been aching to lash out... Right now, I'm going through a controlled low.
I don't have resolutions for 2026. I need to work harder. I hope I can get a job at a studio. I've been networking hard and doing all sorts of work for some presence and recognition. I need to keep it up in 2026, and do it better, do it bigger. IIIIII'm running out of money lol. I feel like such a failure, being at my age and not having a proper job and needing my parent's help to pay rent. It makes me so angry. there's no point in getting a minimum wage job either, my rent is twice of that. And besides schoolwork and work I'm doing as a volunteer I wouldn't have any time for personal content creation that has been my meager source of income. Fucking big cities, man!! I love it in the big city, but rent is un-fucking- believable. A 19 square meters studio for two monthly minimum wage payments. All that because I live next to the subway. And it still takes me an hour to get to class! I am absolutely NOT allowing myself to complain about this, because the average student takes 2-3 hours to get there. Haha i'm so screwed. I know I've always wanted to put together a decent computer, and I don't exactly regret buying all the parts despite it being a huge investment, but I am getting very anxious about all the money coming out of my savings and none coming in. I DID NOT REACH THE PAYMENT TRESHOLD LAST MONTH... Soon I will have to pay for the next semester of classes and then that's another huge hit. I don't get many commission clients. I thought I'd be getting more. But my art is sort of sub-par so I can understand.
Oh, I just thought of something that is making me really angry. It's the same as usual and making me want to cry, so I will stop writing.