November 4th, 2025 - bullllllshit blah blah blah blah blah
Even thought we haven't talked at all the feeling doesn't go away. Is this it? Nothing's really changed for me. I think I'm gonna do this to myself forever.
It hurts a lot knowing I'm the only person who cares about this. It's true when people say the pain of grief and things like that doesn't ever go away or get smaller. The world does get bigger, but that's not enough. I can't believe I let it fucking happen.
There's nothing relevant to talk about
I got accepted into this storyboard class but I haven't been able to keep up. I can't just quit though I know so many people wanted to get in and leaving now would be so ungrateful and a waste. But I'm so tired that I could easily just sleep all day, I'm not motivated at all. I don't wanna do any of this to be honest. I can barely keep up with class, work, cooking and cleaning and then I had the brilliant idea to sign up for it like I needed to prove myself something.
Being completely alone makes everything so much difficult. It's the little things like having to stop what you're doing to make dinner or lunch from scratch, not having someone to cover up on these duties for you. I have online class for this storyboard course from 6pm to 9pm. If I don't get up during the middle of class to fix myself dinner, I don't eat. 9pm is the time I'm supposed to be in bed so that I can get 8 hours of sleep. But if I get up and fix myself dinner and do the dishes and then shower, I'll lag behind. Then I will make a fool of myself in class. And It's something I have to catch up on out of class hours. And that means I'll have less time the next day to work on school assignments or comissions or content that i need to make if I want to get paid at the end of the month and pay the bills. I ran out of medicine but I haven't been to the drugstore yet. I'll have to go after this class, but by then I'll need to cook dinner, which means I'll go at around 10 pm, which means I'll fall asleep at 11pm, which means I'll be sleepy tomorrow, which means I will end up falling asleep in the afternoon, which means I'll be behind on everything, which means...and so on and so forth.
I just want to give up so badly. I want to give up on everything. During times like these I remember how much easier it was to deal with difficulties when he was there for me. And then I just feel worse. I need my medicine immediately. I don't have it yet because of my own incompetence. Been having the thickest brain fog. I could look at things 10 times and won't understand a thing. In my brain things mix up and tangle up and I don't get anything. It takes me ages to do simple things. My body hurts and my throat is clenching. But I have to help myself because nobody will do it for me. Everyone's too busy with their own shitty lives.