July 5th, 2025 - Violator
Hello. I uploaded some images to the website so I can now make a diary entry about them.
I am trying out bleach painting my clothes to salvage them. Or to make second-hand t-shirts a bit cooler. You know how band shirts are super expensive? no more!!
This is the cover of Depeche Mode's Violator album. I love that album so much. Rarely I come across an album that I will listen to again and again. It just speaks to me so much. Enjoy the Silence is the best song in the album, obviously. I had heard it way before I decided to listen to the whole album, years ago. But when it comes to lyrics I find myself more attached to songs like Halo, Policy of Truth, Personal Jesus...Blue Dress has also grown on me a lot. It's so passionate, you know? I'll make some extra touches after it dries. I also attempted bleaching some old jeans that are starting to rip in some places:
As you can see, it's still a work in progress. I have a lot of touch-up work to do, speially in the upper area. And I haven't started at all on the back of the jeans. Once I'm done with the bleaching, i'll rip it some more. I'm feeling satisfied with how it's turning out, So I think I'll bleach more clothes soon. Maybe an original design.
I also messed around with some dry clay and made this:
I'm making pink-chan. I need some glue to make the rest of her. I don't like how her head looks so square, like a roblox avatar. It's a lot of work. I also finished 3 commissions today.
Last night I had trouble going to sleep. I've been having really bad thoughts before bed and getting really upset and crying. I feel like a burden. I don't really do anything that matters or provides meaningful income and completely depend on my parents. I can't keep up with friend groups either. My art isn't nearly as good as I wish it was currently. I feel like I try so many things and end up mediocre at all of them. My relationship with my body hasn't been good either. I was never good to begin with, but when I was in a relationship I felt like...because someone else liked it, I could like it too. It was good for something. I went to the shopping mall the other day and someone barged into my changing booth while I was undressing and I felt really bad. I know it's not supposed to be a big deal,but...It just got me thinking of how back when I was like 12 and stuff I'd have to go to these church camp things and how there was no privacy at all and things were meticulously timed and they'd tell us to all get together in the shower and made us shower together because there was no time to wait for others to be done. The very last one I went to when I was about 13, I remember we had to play a quiz game and I answered incorrectly and got pie all over my hair and face. I asked them not to get it in my hair because I knew I'd have a problem when it was time to shower. And so it happened. I waited and waited for a free shower and then the group leader(or whatever they used to be called) came in and was like, "You haven't showered yet?" and I was very meek and shy back then, they just pushed me into a shower with 3 other girls. I stood as close to the corner as possible but It was definetly...all of those different instances, If I could stand up for myself...If only I knew I could. I'll tell them all to fuck off and not touch me. I'd walk home. Anything. I let so many people take advantage of me during my life and touch me without consent because I didn't know what to do. Even now I still enter panic mode when these situations happen. When the changing room incident happened I could barely process what was happening. And then the anger and shame come way afterwards. Maybe this is why I'm a control freak now. Back when I was still seeing a therapist I told her how I'd prefer to be the pursuer in a relationship and she asked me if it could possibly be related to the times I've been touched without my consent. It doesn't matter where it came from and it doesn't matter what I'd want in a relationship anymore anyway. I'm glad I quit. I hate everyone and I hate myself.
I will go play Baldur's Gate now. Here's a drawing of me sleeping from when I was around 8-10 years old
