October 5th, 2025 - gotta have someone to hate, And when I'm through with myself, I'll start on you
I had to come back to my parent's house. I'll be going back home today. Being here feels weird. I remember all the bad things that have ever happened in this house and in my bedroom. Going back to my apartment feels weird too. It feels lonely and depressing and quiet. I think all the things that happened while growing up are catching up to me. I don't think my thought patterns are right, I don't think my actions are right either. I lack self-control. I blame myself for being too much for others but I'm still angry that people don't seem to be able to handle me when I try to express my feelings. What's the point of trying to bond with others when they'll send me away when I'm too sad. Oh yeah they'll be there for you....until you're suicidal or displaying signs of your mental illness. And then when someone kills themselves they go "oh what a pity. I wonder if it could've been prevented." but when people try to open up, it makes others too uncomfortable doesn't it? Some people live seeing people as pleasure fountains. You can stay with me for as long as you're fun to be around. Isn't that right? You'll point at them and say "this person is insane and bad." I hate this truly. How can I not tell myself that I should suck it up and never talk about my feelings when I'm scolded for trying to do so? When I'm met with "This again?","It's been so long, why do you still care about this!" or "You're worrying me so please stop." "I don't know how to respond" and other FUCK SHIT like that Yea? I understand I have the potential to be erratic. Neurotypicals won't understand it and you can't even count on people who AREN'T neurotypical because they call you names as soon as you cry for help. You are not allowed to talk about the things that truly matter. If you do not talk about your suffering, they think it doesn't exist. They would rather not know. I don't want to talk to a therapist, I want to feel connected to people, I want people to care! If someone like me could graduate psychology then who else is in charge of this bullshit. Therapists I've had- just people trying to give you advice from their own perspective. Cant get over your ex? "Well you should date someone else and it will pass." Don't like being approached romantically? "Well it's the natural way that men approach women and not the other way around. Perhaps you dislike it because you've been harrassed before?" Your parents punish you for having a trans friend? "They must be scared of something , try to reassure them you're not QUEER". They listen because they're getting paid. They do not think about you. And friends are circumstancial. YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL SICK! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING! YOU'D RATHER WATCH SOMEONE DIE THAN MAKE YOURSELF UNCOMFORTABLE WITH LISTENING!!! JUST LISTENING! JUST BEING THERE! But then again maybe I'm the monster, I don't know anymore. Yeah sure I'm all the horrible things ever.
I know I'm sick. But I've tried all my life so hard to be a good kid. I'm so, so angry, because when I think I can open up I'm punched down again. So here I am, screaming out into the void of the internet. And it mightve been a mistake to make it public. But someone's gotta be out there listening.
Okay I feel better. Maybe all the ressentment I build doesn't come from some botched childhood thing and more from my lack of ability to express how I feel to friends and family. But can you blame me...I'm not saying I have 0 understanding friends whatsoever, I do. The friends I've been making recently, they are great. But I've gotten backlash for trying to express myself to others before. I know I push it sometimes... Still, I feel angry. "Reach out to someone!!" They say. Funny thing nobody wants to be on the receiving end. Ah, no no. That's wrong. The people I wish would support me, do not want to. I keep putting my eggs in the wrong basket.