June 6th, 2025 - Rollercoaster

I had a good week. I received news that my grandpa died last sunday but that surprisingly didn't trigger depression week. But I felt strange when i woke up today and I think it means it's about time for the lows. I figured. I just wish it didn't have to be now, at the end of the semester when I've got so much stuff to deliver + somethings that might result in me getting paid or not since I did not get any money last month. I should really focus on doing commissions so that I can 1-afford food and transportation AND the next semester of college and 2- buy a new computer. I was counting on something that now I see won't be making any money. Upsetting! I also need, NEED, to extend this current mood for at least another week. A friend of mine is coming to visit and will stay over for a week. I need to be in good condition my god I really do. I'm itching to get back into self-destructive cycles of thinking and acting again. But that happens every time....always the incredible "I am immune to my own feelings" highs and "I should not be allowed to exist" lows. Not now!! not now...
I need to think long and hard about where I want to take my art and my online identity. I've been wanting to make an rpgmaker game for a good while now. Something that I can look at and think "yeah, this is me". But what good will come out of something like that. I need to make money! I only have so much in savings...