April 15th, 2025 - Journey
Two ladies at the doctor's office complimented me and my hair, they were very kind. I couldn't stop thinking, though, "that's because they don't know how terrible I am."
So I called an uber to the bus terminal and he looked so not happy in his profile picture. Why do older men do that? I'm always scared of getting aggressive drivers. It's happened before. The world is scarier when you know some random man could dropkick you into the afterlife if he had a bad day. To be honest, most women could do that too. I hate being frail.
I'm spending easter holiday at my parent's house. That is good because I was starting to get very very sad after a relapse and things could spiral quickly. I hope nothing rots while I'm away. I'm going to focus on commissions and putting together a neocities website while I'm there. Or maybe I'll just play BG3 and Picayune dreams all day.
I love my parents, I really do. But it feels like I put myself into a hostage situation sometimes. Like I've forced myself into loving unconditionally. My body shuts down when I wrong them. And I have all sorts of ludicrous ideas about what "wrong" means in my head. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong or bad. I really didn't grow up into a stable person at all. It's not their fault...I think I did this to myself somehow. I had a great childhood!
I used to think I was well-adjusted but last year I proved myself so wrong. I think this is what ego death must feel like. I went against my core beliefs and I haven't been able to recover from it. Do you ever feel like you don't deserve to forgive yourself? And then you think, "hating yourself doesn't fix anything. If you want pity out of not forgiving yourself, that's selfish. So just forgive yourself." But then, what happened to your sense of justice? You have to suffer! I wish I could be punished in the same way I've wronged others. But it hurts, doesn't it? I hate getting hurt. Yet I hurt myself all the time! I'm the sole source of all my pains. How dramatic!
Right now I'm stuck in a traffic jam. I think I'm gonna miss my bus!!