April 16th, 2025 - Arrival
I didn't miss my bus.
Being back home feels strange. I immediately regressed into the depressed state I was in before I moved, lied down in bed for hours, like it was pulling me in. I don't want to sleep in that bed anymore, and that's really sad because I was looking forward to it, it's so comfy. I don't want to feel that way about my home. It just feels like I haven't made any progress at all. I'm back to thinking obsessively about my breakup. It's been almost a year! i'm still crying about it, what's wrong with me.
My mom took me to church for confession. We got into a discussion about meritocracy and politics and how unfair society is for some people right now. I always pick the worst moments to get into philosophical arguments. She didn't understand what I meant. She said, "are you saying God is unfair? if you don't feel worthy of the things you have now, you'll never have anything." But I don't deserve any of the things I have in the slightest!
After confession i told her it was difficult to accept forgiveness when you grow up being told you don't deserve it, that "God's grace is infinite despite our faults". I know It's supposed to be comforting, but I feel horrible and unlovable. I forgot to tell the priest about my drinking. Whoops.
This city feels depressing. Or maybe I'm the problem. I mean, I know I am the problem, but I hope I start feeling better again in the big city.
I felt a bit better as I was working on my website. I did the illustrations with oil pastels, and they have that amateurish charm that I realy dig. Got inspired by Bladee's 333 cover art by Claire Barrow, It's incredible! My friend helped me with the dithering effect and checking if the site worked (It didn't). Shout out Cher!
I ate so much too. I can eat beef at my parent's home. I'm looking forward to the delicacies. But I'm upset that I'm missing important content from class. I was supposed to participate in a seminar tomorrow...I already had the plane ticket though, I didn't know the teacher would give us such an important assignment. And my parents really wanted me to come for the holiday. I really don't want my college work to snowball! I want to do everything right this time. Because this is what I've always wanted. it's my only purpose now.
I really am reverting back to old habits here. My sleep schedule immediately started falling apart. How much power can a place hold over someone?? I talked to my brother about this feeling. That this city moves so slowly and everything is the same as it was before I left. I yearn for constant change. Then how come I always get stuck in the past? My mom said it's because I have a melancholic personality.
She's into the four temperaments.