May 16th(?), 2025 - Old notes
This entry is out of order. Thing I didn't have time to add to the site.
If there is something that indicates immaturity to me is trying to force yourself to be something you are not. Trying to deepen or heighten your voice, trying to appear taller or stronger, braver...there is courage and nobility in accepting the way you work. Even if you hate it, even if you hate yourself and your body, trying to appear to be something you're not is silly. You should never have to apologise for your body, for the way you were born. And you should be angry if anyone attacks it. Become angry. Turn your shame into anger.
I am now learning I am extremely mentally ill. So much so that it's starting to slip through the cracks and people can now see it for what it is.it's so shameful. I was coming back from the karaoke bar with my friend and the subway exit i usually use was blocked. We went under the line and tried exiting through there but the guard shouted from down there, " It's locked! That gate is locked!". We had to walk back in shame. My friend was fine with it but i crumbled. I cried. I have a problem with authority figures. I am scared of them and I can't handle being reprehended. And after a whole night having to hear about people's (reciprocal) love life, that was the straw that broke my back. I can't believe I'd do something so stupid. Crying in front of others for such stupid reasons. What a sorry excuse of a person I am. I know they think I'm a child.
I have another problem. I can't handle being around couples or hear people gushing over their romantic lives, complaining about not having seen their so since the start of the week. I know I have no right to be upset over the happiness of others, but It feels like someone rubbing salt into a very open wound. I guess to anyone it would seem like I should be over it. I know. But I'm not.
I am feeling very overwhelmed by people. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to see anyone and I don't want to be seen. The source of all my problems. My relationships with people. I'm tired, i'm so sick and tired that i could just explode! Just leave me alone. I hate everyone. It's better for other people too, to not get too close to me.
How can it be? I hate you. I hate myself. I hate you i hate you i hate you fuck you. Fuck me for being so selfish. You dont even think about it... and this is still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last I spend hours thinking about.
I used to think i have to go sober to make up for all the bullshit ive done. All the crap ive made others go through. The only way to repent for my shit. Then i'd be able to forgive myself. And then it would all go back to how it used to be and.... But whats the point. There is no cosmic forgiveness, there is no personal attonement, there is no erasing mistakes there is nothing. Its all pointless. Everything I do is pointless, my work is pointless, my relationships are pointless,my hobbies are pointless, my happiness is pointless, my entire life and existence itself is pointless.
Ive been called weird the other night for my emotional outbursts. I think thats what they meant.
Maybe thats a good enough reason to not drink. People around me get affected and I bum them out and act strange, like crying in front of them and such. At least when I'm sober I can manage to hide it pretty well. Nobody likes a sad loser. im still bothering people, so i should...idk. stay home forever.
But then again, what's the point? What's the point in setting boundaries and boundaries and then crossing them?