April 17th, 2025 - Maundy Thursday
My brother's gf is a petsitter for the holiday. I played with the dogs and had fun. When I got home I sat next to my parents in the living room. My mom saw my forehead and how bad it's gotten from all the skin picking I've been doing. She got pretty upset and said I "didn't use to do that". It's been that bad since last June though...the bangs do a great job hiding it! I told her, "I know it's bad...it's the stress". And they both said "what stress? You're not working or in college anymore". ??? I AM in college! Is animation school not challenging at all? ( It's definetly not torturous like when I was in Psych, I'll give them that)....also living alone in the big city has been challenging. And I do work freelance...plus my rotten mental health. Whatever! I don't bother defending myself, it's pointless. I know it's bad, I know my skin picking has gotten really bad. It looks gnarly. I can't help it. However, my bed feels less depressing today. I might even take a nap!
[Warning: Crash-out!]
Why is it that I keep thinking about my ex? All I do is in the hopes that they will see it. Hey! Hey! Read this! Look at me! Please please look at me. Are you ever gonna love me again? Attention whore. What would you even say if they do see this. I'm all lost. This is gross behavior. I'm so normal about everyone else. Why am I sick over someone I barely know anymore. It makes me so mad. Sometimes I try to trick myself into believing nothing ever happened and that it was all in my head. There's some kind of dissonance between what I know and how I feel. There's nothing left from what happened , only this craving, this mad craving like I could tear myself apart from how much I want to...
Is it my sickness? Is OCD the reason why I'm fucked in the head? Did I convince myself I feel that way? I only know that I haven't taken any steps forward at all. Are there people like me out there? I know there are. That scares me so much, because It means It's possible to not be over someone for years or forever. I don't want the rest of my life to be this miserable. Ten FUCKING MONTHS! IT'S BEEN TEN MONTHS. GET OVER YOURSELF OR DIE!!!!!!! I'm worse than an animal.
Okay. Why is it easier to communicate in a secondary language? I become way less embarrassed to talk about things. I have this theory that it's because I didn't associate negative ideas with the words until I was older. There are words in my native tongue that I am embarrassed to say...probably because of what I associate it with. Doesn't that make sense? Like, I could learn how to dirty talk in english, but in portuguese??? It would have to be way more poetic for me not to cringe. To be honest, I do have high standards for wording in general when it comes to romance. Dialogue is like 80% of what makes something hot. It seems so difficult that I'd rather not say anything at all EVER.
Big bummer: I was gonna go out with my ex-coworkers tonight,but it didn't work out... It was so nice outside tonight though. Fresh and cool air. I smelled grass, hotdogs and a barbecue somewhere.
PS.: I showed my dad the website and he said "why do the drawings look ugly? Is it crayon?" SMH!!!!!!!!!!! It's an aesthetic you dum dum. I always say this and I MEAN it: there is a special charm to amateur art.