November 17th, 2025 - uhh cringe?
I think it might've been a big mistake to make this website. Or at least a big mistake to air out my bullshit for everyone to see, including some people I know. I made this page so I wouldn't bother other people with my ramblings, because I know they can't handle it. When i'm spiralling I physically can't shut up so people get annoyed, stop replying Or they don't like it, get concerned whatever. And it worked for the most part, although most entries here are pathetic and gross and I'm ashamed of them being out here but what's the point of hiding how I really felt then and how I feel now. Sometimes I notice certain things happen after I post. I don't know if there's anyone I personally know who still keeps up with this, and I have no idea how they would even do that when there's no constancy to my entries. BUT in the case they are reading, I don't want your PITY. I wouldn't know what to do with it. I hate it when people don't take me seriously.
Speaking of being taken seriously, my parents visited me last week. I was excited. But It's always a little disappointing. They came for work stuff so we didn't do almost anything together and when we did it was a struggle to get them to pay attention to me. I mean like, listen to me when I try to have a conversation, reply. It's SO difficult. My mom's been more attatched to my dad ever since I left, or so it seems to me. I don't feel like I'm part of the team. They do a lot of nice things to me but communication has always been lacking. I feel like my whole world revolves around them and what they think of me, I just want them to be satisfied. I just want them to be proud of me, I want them to feel like it wasn't a waste to bring me into this world and put in so much time and effort into raising me. Even though I feel like a waste. They could've raised a great doctor. The thing is, I know I'm nothing like what they wish I was...
I only write self pitying stuff in here. Let's talk about other things
I made a big bowl of mosaic jello but it's melting and I couldn't eat it during the week and now I have to throw it away! my tomatoes also went bad. OMG!!! Why does food expire so fast! I made a fried chicken burger yesterday but I quickly got reminded why I don't fry stuff in my apartment. The oil, the smell, the mess!!! aaaaaa I just remembered I still have to do the dishes lol. I'm gonna arrive home late today so I'll probably just want to shower and lie down....what will I eat? I skipped lunch today, since I'm working on school projects all afternoon. I ate 27 grams of peanuts and an apple. Salty! Bug good lord am I craving sushi. I want tasty things, all the time....all the time....
I'm going to the beach this weekend. I'll take the bus and after those long 12 hours riding I'll be home, and then we'll go to the beach for my uncle's birthday. I love the beach, I've said that before. But I don't wanna go through the whole thing, like...If I wear clothes I am comfortable in at the beach my mom is definetly gonna be pissed. Because it's weird to not wear swimming clothes....I just wanna feel comfortable! Why does she care about it so much? it's just clothes... I wonder how scared she is that these might be signs of queerness lmao. If I tell her I want to wear long shorts to the beach like my brother, she might have a heart attack. Such complicated, complicated feelings. I wish I could be myself around my family.