May 18th, 2025 - Beach episode

I think I need a higher dose of medicine. It was already a pretty bad defeat to have to come back to meds after the breakup, and it helped a bit with the compulsions and feelings of guilt, but It's not enough. I don't regret quitting therapy though. I don't really wanna go back. It doesn't really matter. I tend to ramble a lot when I'm nervous, it seems. I need to shut up sometimes. Most times. It's really difficult.
Ideally, I'd be so doped up on medicine to even feel a thing. Wanna be comfortably numb. But that's not how lexapro works lol.
I went to the beach with my friends. Friends from out of town. I don't really like going to the beach- I mean, I LOVE the beach! But everything that goes around it discourages me from going. "Are you not going into the water?" " why are you going into the water with your clothes on?" "Aren't your legs a bit hairy?" " why are you wearing this to the beach?" . I don't want to wear what is essentially underwear in front of others, thank you very much. And If I tell them my reasoning they'll be like "Ohhhh come on you can just tell people to fuck off and get in anyway. Dont be so sensitive." But it eats at you. It makes you feel like you're the other, like you're doing something wrong and you'll be ridicularized for it and punished for it. So I don't go in. Even if I really want to.
You can't undo years of conditioning with just a gentle comment.
These days i saw a cop arresting a guy, couldnt have been older than 19, for hitting their car with a bike. Put him in the trunk and everything. It looked like an accident, i'm not sure what happened....i'm scared of these guys. They have so many means to exert power over normal people. I feel like a prey animal living in a world where everyone is stronger than me. And I'm in a privileged position compared to most people!