March 19,2026 -On clubs and clubbing and people and youtube
This is the first entry I'm typing on my new computer. It's been a long time since I've written here.
I often think of things I want to write here while I'm picking at my skin in front of the mirror for a solid 40 minutes but everything requires a crazy amount of effort. I want to share this website again so I need to be careful with my words. I can't just write about my unhealthy attachment all the time. As much as I want to. It has been pretty bad recently! It's like I made no progress at all in over a year and I'm still miserable. Enough of that, I want to talk about my experiences going to clubs.
I was never a "club person" yk,I used to think clubs were just a place for people to go get hammered and swap spit. I'm not interested in any of that. I used to think that because I had shitty company that took me to shitty places and told me that's what people do, that's what allll people do. I really need to go off on this one asshole I used to be friends with sometime. He was my neighbor. But after moving to the BIG CITY I discovered other options. I've mentioned this place before, it's called madame underground. I've gone a few times and I will go tomorrow. Because they're having a depeche mode special...it's a shame I can't drink during lent. It's not like I want to get drunk like that, it's just scary being there by myself. I need that little push to feel comfortable on the dancefloor. It's not a bad thing that I'm going by myself, far from it- I like going by myself. I don't want to talk to anyone. And I don't want anyone to touch me or see me. Sundays at madame are the best because the house is empty...I don't need to be close to others or worry. I really am only going to listen to depeche mode and dance.
The thing I like about madame is their dance floor...dance room? it's a dungeon. Smoke and strobe lights that make everything look slow motion. Nobody can see me and I can't see anyone. It's perfect.
I'm only concerned about not being able to handle it not being tipsy. I'll probably get super sleepy by midnight and will feel too awkward to dance. Too seen. But it's depeche mode so I gotta go. It wouldn't take me so much overthinking if the club wasn't an hour away from my home and I had to pay to enter and shit. Fuuck whatever
Gonna get a little existential here. What am I doing with my life? Ever since youtube demonetized me I've come to the conclusion I'm beating a dead horse. They gave me my monetization back but the tricks I had been using are no longer working. I was just coping real hard. Maybe it is time to give up. ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END.....no exceptions. No exceptions never ever never. What will I do when I'm done with animation school then. All ideas I've had for bigger projects...lame. Am I destined to be mediocre? I need to keep distracting myself. HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KILL MEEEEE KILL MEEEEE I asked my friend to cut my bangs tomorrow. Are you reading this? hiiiii will you cut my bangs? thank you. I should cook you something tasty.