July 20th, 2025 - 52 blue sundays
Today it's been a full year since the break up. I don't know why but i was somehow looking forward to finally say it. It's been just as depressing as usual. This vacation hasn't been very stress-free. I had a fight with someone i know yesterday and the space and community i created for myself online, what was supposed to be a safe space and haven from my irl, is giving me troubles for actions taken outside of my control- but I'm still expected to fix it. why why why. I seems like no matter how much i distance myself from people, no matter how many walls I try to put up, no matter how apathetic I become towards them they still find a way to fucking barge in and break everything. I still want to fix everything. I can only hope people will understand I'm trying to make the best decisions. I really am. But I can't fix infighting where I'm not involved and yet seen as a figure of authority. God....
My ex sent me a picture. Can you believe that? they asked me first if I wanted to see a cool shirt. I said yes. It was a normal picture, they looked very nice...I just felt a lot of things. They're really either too dense to notice I'm still fucked over or this is some kind of lace covered torture method. But I could never look away or. Make the choices that would hurt me less. I think I'm just telling myself this means something will change or is changing, doesn't this mean we're getting closer..? Like it would matter! I wouldn't be happy even if we did get back together! It's broken! and yet...
This one guy I had a fight with yesterday,I found out today he said I'm crazy and he pities whoever unlucky soul I'd be marrying. Because I cried over silly things. Fucking idiot...performative superficial idiot. I'd better just fucking disappear. None of this fucking matters. When we die, you won't be bringing anything or anyone with you. Maybe when I have more energy I'll rant about how this jerkface pissed me off yesterday. Why do I keep giving him second chances? I think it's because I didn't have any other friends here. And I think it might be the same for him. But I don't have to take his bullshit anymore, and I won't. I don't even wanna be around people I like. I just want to run away from everything.