May 24, 2025 - Paranoia?

The recent peak in obsession must be something hormonal. I have decided I want to be happy now. Become happy!!! NOW!!! I look in the mirror and say "I am happy now! Forget it!!" and it makes me feel a little better? It doesn't always work.
Sometimes they still message me. But it's a little weird. It doesn't feel genuine or completely engaging unless I shut myself completely from all that happened. Just a casual conversation, like a performance. It's a bit tense. I don't want to assume how others are thinking, it's quite rude of me to say that could be the case but...
I reply, of course. It's thrilling. I hate how much power this holds over me. I feel like an unfinished chore. What is it? Is it pity? worry? I can't imagine any other reasons why they'd still talk to me. I mean, there's no way it's pleasant. It just makes no sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being toyed with. It's more likely I am completely wrong and just paranoid but I can't bring myself to let my guard down, I fear looking stupid and desperate or creepy (I have been creepy and clingy before). I know they don't deserve that. In fact, I am sort of scared they could've read my diary and seen all of ..that. It feels so so shameful. I should conceal this website better.
Aaah I hate superfluous interactions. It's always some kind of theatre with people, isn't it? Rarely I meet people that I am actually interested in. I've been doing very well socially, though.
I hate hidden intentions. So much so that, in order to feel like I'm not tricking anyone into thinking I'm a better person than what I actually am, I have decided to be an open book. I'll say my worst sins out loud and nothing is concealed but I won't let anyone in. I won't let anyone in ever.
I woke up in a lot of pain so I couldn't eat very well. I had a buttered bun for lunch, the same for dinner and a chocolate snack. The buns are expiring today anyway so I had to get rid of them somehow. I don't feel hungry. It should be fine to have them for breakfast tomorrow too,right? As long as it's not moldy.
I'll compensate for it by making curry tomorrow!