May 27th, 2025 - Stability

I'm feeling somewhat stable so I don't want to move into any direction.
But that implies that, eventually, it will all come downhill again... I had to throw a few things out because they either expired or went moldy. And that bun I ate that had expired by one day... I think It got me sick. Do not fuck with expired food guys. I might also be deveoping a flu, but I will shun it away with my mental power. Go away!!!! I am taking vitamin C!!!
I did make curry though. I wanted the mild one with no spice whatsoever, but they only had it slightly spicy at the store...It's still enough to make my nose a little runny.
Sometimes I re-read my diary entries and cringe. If you're gonna be this dramatic, try being private about it? Because you don't like it when people see it and pity you, so what is it? What do you want, you crazy fuck-up? I'm sorry that you had to read all I've written in my diary entries. I'm ashamed and sorry.
But I am okay now. I want to be okay for a while now. I want to distract myself a bit. I'll play it safe and not do anything risky. I'll go home during winter break and play lots of videogames and eat a bunch of tasty food and just indulge in distractions. Another friend will come visit soon and I am scared I'll go histrionics again. Anything could set me off. I am very volatile, so I will try my best to keep it together and keep this current wellness intact at all costs. I wish I didn't have such intense mood swings...but I don't feel ready to abandon melancholy just yet. It feels sacrilegious. Why? I don't really know. I talked about these feelings with some friends and they suggested I go back to therapy. I kind of lost hope in psychology as a whole to be honest. Graduating psychology took a lot of the mystery out of it, as well as the pedestal of superiority I used to put the professionals on. Knowing people like me could be in charge of someone's mental health...it almost makes me laugh. It's funny...I used to advocate for it so much. I'd push really hard for people to go to therapy. I must've sounded so condescending and conceited. I'll never tell anyone what to do anymore. Isn't that an improvement?