March 30th,2026 - I want the real thing, not tokens

I'm in a real pickle now. I received some devastating news (to me, although to someone who has their shit together it is a normal thing) and I haven't been dealing well with it. A hard truth. I need to be constantly hammered with the truth or I will make up delusions to soothe myself. I am so ashamed of the way I feel that I cannot even dare to speak about it- it is the only thing I've forbidden myself from talking about. But it's difficult. It feels like I'm back to 2024. Just horrible. Horrible. Do you ever feel like nothing? Like you're nothing? I feel like I'm nothing. And nothing seems to matter. I am bored, so bored. But I don't want to do anything, I know there's nothing I can do right now that would bring me the joy I want. I've been skipping lunch frequently and if I could, I'd skip dinner too. The food will go bad, so I ate what i could. I am going to stay with my parents for a little while. lucky. If I had to spend the next few days alone in this cell of an apartment, I don't think i'd eat anything at all. And time goes by so slowly. It's not like anything will change if time passes though. I've just been crying and lying around...I can't even face my friends. Why are we made to feel like this? When I was young, I never thought i'd find myself in this situation.
It's a given that I ended up not going to the depeche mode cover show. I just couldn't. But God, I feel so bad. I was truly looking forward to it.