January 31st, 2026
If you've checked this site before, then you will notice I got rid of all my entries. They were embarrassing. I'm still going to write embarrassing things but I want to start over.
Do you ever feel like every decision you make is a mistake? Even when you're doing everything you're supposed to. Even when you accomplish something or do something that will be good for you. At night these feelings get stronger. A sense of impending doom falls over me and I doubt every decision and thought. It always feels like I'm doing something wrong...
I visited my friend at her job yesterday. I ended up buying 2 shirts haha. They're pretty but I shouldn't be splurging like that, not after spending a shitton of money on computer parts. Ahhh, I'm still nervous about it! What if the money spent isn't worth it? what if it doesn't make me happy? ....I also bought a moomin gel pen. It's sooo cute and it writes so smooth, it's almost sexy. Lol jk. Right, I should've clarified that I'm back home and alone. I still haven't unpacked my bags and the apartment needs to be cleaned. UUUU honestly, i'm kind of just excited to build the pc but there are still some parts missing. Will it make a difference?
I have commissions to work on and also want to draw a birthday gift for a friend. Then tomorrow I will go to a chinese festival thing with another friend. I really wanna go, but I also NEED to go to madame underground that night because they're having a depeche mode cover concert and I've been waiting AGES for them to have a depeche mode special. I'M SO HYPED. I'll also be going by myself and for once I've been meaning to go by myself. There's pressure when I invite someone. I get along really well with my friends, but It's difficult to be 100% comfortable around people. I end up perceiving myself in third person. To be honest, this has been a problem for me. I sometimes focus too much on how I can be perceived by others, almost like looking at myself from their perspective. Do I not know how to enjoy the moment without wanting to show off to others in a way? I kind of just want to enjoy myself and listen to depeche mode this time.
There's not a lot of food in the house and I'm too lazy to eat or cook. When I'm here and alone it's like I don't obssess with food as much as usual. Don't get me wrong, I love eating and I think about eating all the time. I'm always thinking 7 meals ahead. I'm not purpusefully trying to starve myself, I just don't have an appetite rn. Right now I'm hungry but I don't want to eat or cook, I want to work.
I will make lunch and then get back to drawing. Being a busy bee is nice...